Insecurities about the past
I'll try to start from the beginning.
I didn't really want to write about anything too personal on this blog, even though I know that anyone in question probably wouldn't find it. But even so, a part of me still doesn't want to write. What if it ends up as something I don't wish to remember? ... I would probably delete these posts and erase the tangible memory. Since I haven't shared this blog with anyone who I would mind reading, I think it's okay to allow myself to indulge in writing my thoughts to no one in particular.
In the warm month of August 2017, I entered into a long distance relationship with a special person I've been writing to for roughly two years. We were essentially pen pals. The platform we used was a texting app yet our messages were as long as an email. It's quite amazing how far we've come, and how quickly our relationship has progressed. He is also my first serious relationship. All these emotions are very new to me.
The more I got to know him, the more of him I wanted to possess. It's a peculiar thing. In the beginning, I didn't really care about his past and who he had been with before me. I could casually brush it off as the past being in the past. But as I got to know him, as my love and affection grew, so did my insecurity and possessiveness.
We discussed this feeling I had. He was understanding, although I knew it bothered him. It bothered him because he did not think about his past nor did he wish to, as they were bad memories. He only wanted to focus on us and what we have now. It was one of our more difficult conversations. The issue seemed to be resolved, but I know that this is something only I can overcome. No validation from him will save me from these feelings I have. Because even though he gives me validation, the feeling continues to return. I don't want a vicious cycle of insecurity and seeking validation from him each time.
I still feel pain from it if even a hint of the past is brought up in that context. To give an example, recently he spoke to me about his conversation with his father, about how he made so many sacrifices before and they always fell through (in the context of things in his life and relationships). But he trusted that it would work with me, even if the sacrifice he was making for me (moving out of state) would be the biggest sacrifice he's ever made.
The average person would simply listen to what he said and feel happy that he was okay with his decision. But me being me, I just wanted to ask him what these 'sacrifices' were. I stopped myself though. It's times like this where I must stop myself and reflect on why I'm wanting to know this information. Why I'm bringing up his past again, making him recall things that I don't even want him to remember.
I have to analyze my questions and put them through a filter in my mind. If I don't, I'll be making him think about the past when that is exactly what I'm insecure about. That it's the exact thing I don't want him to do. A part of me may just have the desire to know more about him, it honestly could simply be that. But it's sad... although I want to know everything about him, there are some things that I probably shouldn't know. So I can't know everything about him. And I must learn to be content with that.
There are times when I'm completely fine and free of any of those insecure thoughts. And then there are other times where it sneaks up on me insidiously, and I have to ward it off.
Why do I feel this way? I ruminate over this more than I should. This is such a new feeling and experience for me. It's as if I feel sad that there's a past I wasn't a part of. A part of him that I don't know, and probably shouldn't know. Yet as a couple gets deeper into a relationship, isn't it only natural that we want to know more and more about our partner?
I often wonder if I had met others before him, if I had my own history, would it matter as much to me as it does now? I try to imagine as best as I can. Sometimes I get close to an answer. In the end, I believe that I just lack that perspective and I will never have that perspective with him.
This must be the reality of dating someone after college... and after experiencing a small fraction of life outside of that. A person will undoubtedly have a history.
I've tried different approaches to coping. I've asked for wisdom from people at work and received great advice. I don't feel like I can confide in anyone close to me about this. It's too embarrassing and I don't think it's something they'll be able to help me with. It's nothing against my family. I know them well and it makes me realize that they won't have the answers I seek.
All of the solutions I've tried have been temporary, because I still feel the pangs of hurt in my heart, when and if this feeling bubbles up. It's gotten better over time, but it's still there and didn't magically go away. Perhaps time is the only thing that will help me get over this feeling.
Even if I could look into his mind and his heart, to feel his emotions, I'm still afraid to. I'm afraid that there may be something I don't wish to see. I believe there are definitely things that should be left unsaid and things that I shouldn't know because they don't pertain to me. Even asking him questions about his past, no matter how curious I am, makes me slightly scared. Scared because I don't want him to remember certain parts of his past, even when he tells me he never thinks about those things. I honestly want him to slowly forget about as much of it as possible over time. Until whatever memory he has is blurred and difficult to remember. Me asking him to recall things doesn't help with that.
I'm trying very, very hard to change my way of thinking. There was one piece of advice that I received and held onto. I think it could be just the thing that saves me. It's the fact that each person IS a different experience. So even if I wasn't a part of his past, we are creating a past. And anything that happens between us will be a new experience and a first for 'us'. And that's all that should matter.
I hope and strive to become stronger, feel more secure, trust in his words and feelings toward me, and stop trying to look back into a past that doesn't pertain to now. I want to be able to truly look only forward and not worry so much about the past.
I didn't really want to write about anything too personal on this blog, even though I know that anyone in question probably wouldn't find it. But even so, a part of me still doesn't want to write. What if it ends up as something I don't wish to remember? ... I would probably delete these posts and erase the tangible memory. Since I haven't shared this blog with anyone who I would mind reading, I think it's okay to allow myself to indulge in writing my thoughts to no one in particular.
In the warm month of August 2017, I entered into a long distance relationship with a special person I've been writing to for roughly two years. We were essentially pen pals. The platform we used was a texting app yet our messages were as long as an email. It's quite amazing how far we've come, and how quickly our relationship has progressed. He is also my first serious relationship. All these emotions are very new to me.
The more I got to know him, the more of him I wanted to possess. It's a peculiar thing. In the beginning, I didn't really care about his past and who he had been with before me. I could casually brush it off as the past being in the past. But as I got to know him, as my love and affection grew, so did my insecurity and possessiveness.
We discussed this feeling I had. He was understanding, although I knew it bothered him. It bothered him because he did not think about his past nor did he wish to, as they were bad memories. He only wanted to focus on us and what we have now. It was one of our more difficult conversations. The issue seemed to be resolved, but I know that this is something only I can overcome. No validation from him will save me from these feelings I have. Because even though he gives me validation, the feeling continues to return. I don't want a vicious cycle of insecurity and seeking validation from him each time.
I still feel pain from it if even a hint of the past is brought up in that context. To give an example, recently he spoke to me about his conversation with his father, about how he made so many sacrifices before and they always fell through (in the context of things in his life and relationships). But he trusted that it would work with me, even if the sacrifice he was making for me (moving out of state) would be the biggest sacrifice he's ever made.
The average person would simply listen to what he said and feel happy that he was okay with his decision. But me being me, I just wanted to ask him what these 'sacrifices' were. I stopped myself though. It's times like this where I must stop myself and reflect on why I'm wanting to know this information. Why I'm bringing up his past again, making him recall things that I don't even want him to remember.
I have to analyze my questions and put them through a filter in my mind. If I don't, I'll be making him think about the past when that is exactly what I'm insecure about. That it's the exact thing I don't want him to do. A part of me may just have the desire to know more about him, it honestly could simply be that. But it's sad... although I want to know everything about him, there are some things that I probably shouldn't know. So I can't know everything about him. And I must learn to be content with that.
There are times when I'm completely fine and free of any of those insecure thoughts. And then there are other times where it sneaks up on me insidiously, and I have to ward it off.
Why do I feel this way? I ruminate over this more than I should. This is such a new feeling and experience for me. It's as if I feel sad that there's a past I wasn't a part of. A part of him that I don't know, and probably shouldn't know. Yet as a couple gets deeper into a relationship, isn't it only natural that we want to know more and more about our partner?
I often wonder if I had met others before him, if I had my own history, would it matter as much to me as it does now? I try to imagine as best as I can. Sometimes I get close to an answer. In the end, I believe that I just lack that perspective and I will never have that perspective with him.
This must be the reality of dating someone after college... and after experiencing a small fraction of life outside of that. A person will undoubtedly have a history.
I've tried different approaches to coping. I've asked for wisdom from people at work and received great advice. I don't feel like I can confide in anyone close to me about this. It's too embarrassing and I don't think it's something they'll be able to help me with. It's nothing against my family. I know them well and it makes me realize that they won't have the answers I seek.
All of the solutions I've tried have been temporary, because I still feel the pangs of hurt in my heart, when and if this feeling bubbles up. It's gotten better over time, but it's still there and didn't magically go away. Perhaps time is the only thing that will help me get over this feeling.
Even if I could look into his mind and his heart, to feel his emotions, I'm still afraid to. I'm afraid that there may be something I don't wish to see. I believe there are definitely things that should be left unsaid and things that I shouldn't know because they don't pertain to me. Even asking him questions about his past, no matter how curious I am, makes me slightly scared. Scared because I don't want him to remember certain parts of his past, even when he tells me he never thinks about those things. I honestly want him to slowly forget about as much of it as possible over time. Until whatever memory he has is blurred and difficult to remember. Me asking him to recall things doesn't help with that.
I'm trying very, very hard to change my way of thinking. There was one piece of advice that I received and held onto. I think it could be just the thing that saves me. It's the fact that each person IS a different experience. So even if I wasn't a part of his past, we are creating a past. And anything that happens between us will be a new experience and a first for 'us'. And that's all that should matter.
I hope and strive to become stronger, feel more secure, trust in his words and feelings toward me, and stop trying to look back into a past that doesn't pertain to now. I want to be able to truly look only forward and not worry so much about the past.
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