WARNING: This post is extremely emo, read at your own risk!
Back to the main topic: FRIENDS. I thought I should write out a heart to heart about this after being inspired by heart to heart videos on yt. Also because I had a long talk with my mom about my experiences on friends while on my trip to HI and why I feel the way I do now about friends based on my life experiences so far.
Going back a good number of years, I remember moving at the tender age of 13. I recall it really sucking to the max having to move far away from cherished friends I've known and grew up with since elementary school. I moved to a place that was so completely displaced from where I originally lived as well, me being Asian, I moved to an almost all white neighborhood and the culture was completely different too. I basically had to start my last year of middle school with no friends and nobody I even knew! Now that I think back, it seems like a really crappy time to switch schools...
I had a slightly more difficult time making friends than the average person because as a child, I feel that I had most things just handed to me, even friends because we all grew up with each other. As a consequence, I never really developed good social skills to easily make new friends; It didn't help that I was shy either. But after somewhat getting through the fact that I had no one and only myself to rely on in school, I did meet some great people who were kind enough to open up to me and I did make friends. I'd love to say that after this, I lived happily ever after with my new BFF's but unfortunately, my story does not end here.
After middle school, everyone had to move on to their designated high school and of course, I have to go to a different high school than all the good friends that I had finally made. So I start all over again. Throughout high school, I would meet new people, some great, some not so much. We would be in the same class for one semester, then probably never see each other again after changing to different classes. I felt that it was pretty much hopeless for me to make any close relationships with anyone anymore because it would never last (Yeah, I was really pessimistic on the topic of friends).
I was always the outsider, someone who would observe from the sidelines. I had no close friendly relationships with anyone, I taught myself to be content with shallow relationships. I had created a barrier. I was safe. I recall having some friends who I was closer to than others but those ended up dying out with these friends meeting other people, us not being in the same class anymore, growing distant, etc. That really hurt me because I would think I finally made a close friend but they would already have their good friends or BFF's and I would just be this anonymous friend on the sidelines. I think these kinds of things happening over and over again to someone really changes the way they think. In my case, I felt that I was better off not having any close friends and just riding out this high school gig and moving on with my life when it was all over. I didn't believe in 'close' friendly relationships with anyone anymore. I was happy with shallow friendly relationships.
I did somehow manage to keep ties with a couple of high school friends and I think it's good I did because I have known them for a while. We don't hang out like BFF's but we're there for one or the other to talk to if we have something we want to talk about.
I still wonder to myself what it would be like if I had never moved and I still had my old friends who I was so close with in my childhood. But then I think of all the things that would probably be sacrificed, (my close family bond that we've created over all the years, my amazingly improved grades, my good health, my better attitude..). I think that a lot of good things happened to me as a person as a result of moving but as a sacrifice, I lost my desire to have close friends. My philosophy is to have close family bonds but the bonds with friends can be shallow because when it all boils down to something, it's a person's immediate family that they will rely on (if they have a good family that is).
I had this dream about a week ago and I had met up with a very close friend I had who lived across the street from me. She didn't want anything to do with me anymore. It was a sad dream. I woke up wondering if that were really true, if our close bond we had as children had deteriorated already to the point where we really don't have anything to do with each other anymore. Should I take this as anxiety? Something that could be true? I haven't talked with this friend for a long time. We lost means of contacting each other. I wonder to myself if she did change her email, why didn't she notify me? If she had, maybe I could have contacted her. I have tried emailing her but she would never really reply. So much for that. Things like this make me wonder what the point is of having close friends. I feel at times it's like I try so hard to keep this bond but if the other party doesn't also put in the effort, it will eventually deteriorate and break.
Sorry that this post is so emo. This is all true stuff from my heart and I really do feel this way, even today. I strongly believe in family ties and I no longer believe in close friends. The relationships just seem to die so easily, it's like, 'what's the point in making a strong friendship bond?'. It all seems like a waste of time and energy to me and includes unnecessary drama. In the end, it's our families that we rely on if we have good ones. I feel so lucky and fortunate to have a good, amazing family. I love them all so much, I wouldn't change them for the world.
The person I am today still continues to believe in having shallow friendly relationships that don't get too deep. If I did meet the right person who I really clicked with, I wonder if I could finally make a really close friend. Maybe... I haven't explored the world much so I don't know yet. I think I'll try to keep my mind open for that person. I've already decided to stop trying so hard. Maybe I should just let things naturally run its course and see what happens. I'll try doing that, at least, in the case of friends. :)