Thursday, May 12, 2016

The hardest semester is over

In our program, this semester is said to be the most difficult and stressful. I've been officially out of 3rd semester for two days since I finished finals. \(^0^)/

I've been trying to stay productive, making "To-Do" lists. It's been working pretty well so far. I'm in the process of making a summer study schedule and planning my trips, mainly to Korea with my dad and Hawaii (for a cousin's graduation party). I feel really fortunate to be able to go on these trips. Dad used to work for an airline so our family has had flight benefits all my life. 

Although this semester has been difficult, I didn't feel its effects as harshly as some people did. I'm sure it's due to me not working and doing school at the same time.. My good friend in the class was doing 35 hours a week of work and school; She ended up failing mental health nursing...  After she didn't pass, another friend that I just started to get to know well ended up dropping out. The loss of my only 'friends' in the class is what gave me a harder time. It was more of an emotional thing for me and learning to make it on my own.

At the very end during the final exam, I realized how truly sad I felt. I felt the sudden reality of my situation, the fact that I was now alone again. A feeling of isolation.

I get along well with the rest of my classmates, but we're more acquaintances than friends. By now, everyone has already formed their own small cliques or groups.  Even adults have cliques. It doesn't end after high school. I wonder if most people realize what a blessing it is to have at least one friend in a class, or any situation for that matter. I anticipated this happening (my friends either failing a course or dropping out).

~ Now for some emo story time! So, this is not the first time a friend abandoned left me in a class to fend for myself when I needed them. The worst experience I've ever had in my life with this kind of situation was in high school. I took a bowling class elective and it was time to partner up with someone. We would go through the entire length of the class with this partner we chose. I was going to ask a friend but this other girl who was kind-of-my-friend asked me to be her partner. She became my partner for the class. Well just a few weeks into the course, my partner ended up dropping the class leaving me alone and lo' and behold, no one was available to be my new partner. It was such a sad and pitiful situation. I had to partner with the instructor every so often. Yeah, it wouldn't have been as bad if she were always partnered with me but it wasn't like that and often, I would have to bowl with no partner against two people. This was supposed to be a fun class for me but ended up becoming a shitty memory. It did do one thing for me though. It made me realize that you can't rely on anyone but yourself, especially if the people involved are not your family or super close friends.    ~ Fin.

I put up a brave face for months after my only good friend failed the class. I found solace in a new friend yet she ended up dropping the course about a month before it was finished. I think this affected me more than I expected. When I got home after finals, I literally crawled into bed and slept for 5 hours. I usually escape to my unconsciousness through sleep when I feel stressed. It seems better than taking benzo's or drinking..

In the future, I'll have to learn to rely on myself but also use my resources (i.e. classmates). It will be lonely but at least it's the last semester.

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