Friday, April 8, 2011

Sometimes I wish I just didn't care.......but...

I find it kind of weird that I have so much psychological stuff going on in my head but I don't even have a label for it.

I thought it would be a good idea to write about things like feelings sometimes because maybe if someone else has the same issue, they can read this and think, hey, I'm not the only one feeling this. Sort of a kinsmanship kind of thing. Omg, so cheesey but whatever! Lets get rollin'!

Hopefully this won't sound stupid but even if this may seem like a small issue, lots of these issues combined can make a bigger issue. (wtf too many 'issues'...)

So I'm in a class and there's this girl at our table who is senior to the rest of us by at least 5 years. I knew from the very beginning that she was a somewhat controlling person. I usually make character psychoanalysis's at the very beginning of every class for most of my classmates that I see or converse with, of course, they are all hypothetical/theoretical since I don't know them on a personal level but at least, at a basic level, I deduce that this is what they are.

This girl was in the Army so she is rather worldly. I can understand that. I'm a fairly naive person when it comes to certain things about the world like politics for one.

Back to the point, I noticed that from the beginning of the semester till now, every time I would say something even slightly naive about the topic she is talking about, it could be the simplest comment, it seemed like she took enjoyment in taunting my knowledge of the subject. I can understand people having a friendly laugh over it but she takes it a step further and makes remarks like "Wow! You ACTUALLY didn't know that?!!!" or "I can't believe you didn't get the joke!!!"

After careful observation, she's the only one at our table who says stuff like this along with laughing at me.. I don't really know what to say back as everyone around is laughing as if it's all just a 'friendly joke'.

I guess what she really doesn't get is that she's indirectly making me look like a fool in front of everyone at our table either to make herself look better or...... well, it's pretty much just that. Exploiting the power she has in the situation to make herself seem so KNOWLEDGEABLE about something that someone else may have never heard of in their life.

I'm not stupid. I know that I get the best scores on exams and tests and pretty much everything else compared to all the people who sit with us. And it's not because I'm the most knowledgeable or smart, but because I'm the most humble and careful out of all of us at the table. This is a skill that I have learned from years of experience.

It's really bad to be cocky and arrogant, especially in school. This makes one careless and miss a lot of stupid things on exams and tests and think that they can relax and play and not study when they actually should. It makes them look down on others like they are the most clever person in the world. I have been this person, sadly to say, but I have NEVER made anyone feel lesser than they really are. I just had mean thoughts in my head. As I got older, I realized that I should stop thinking this way and my grades improved exponentially, because I had a much better attitude towards school, others, and most of all, myself.

This girl that I'm talking about seems to be overconfident and likes to ridicule others for not knowing random information that she ASSUMES everyone else should know. I don't know if she is consciously doing this but it's starting to get on my nerves.

I'm an honest person who speaks my mind if I don't understand something. I've figured that people who put others down, directly or indirectly, are either insecure, or have power issues, probably both since the two are so interrelated.

As you can probably see, I analyze things very deeply. I don't know why but I just can't help it. I love, love, love the details. Maybe that's why anything creatively inclined interests me so much.

I really wish I didn't care sometimes because then my brain could rest and not worry about stupid things like this with a person that I'll probably never see again.

... but then I think about why I even have this blogger and that its purpose is for me to spill out all of my feelings so they can leave my mind for good and help me realize what really matters in life.

I shouldn't care about these people who shoot others down for simple questioning. It's good to question as that's how one learns about the truths in life.

So my word of advice to anyone out there with this kind of issue, forget what people say about your naivety in the world because they are the ones who are truly naive and need to learn something:

A person cannot learn anything new in the world if they do not have the courage to seek it out.

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